Matt Watches Scat #1: Playing For Keeps (2012)

Playing For Keeps poster

Rotten Tomatoes Critic’s Score: 4%

Audience Score: 42%

Welcome to the first installment of a new series called “Matt Watches Scat”, wherein I subject myself to absolute turds made for the lowest-common-denominator audience. There are only two criteria: it needs to be a movie I’ve never seen before, and it must have a Tomatometer score of less than 20%. Beyond that, I will watch any film, from any genre and any era. The honorary (if you can call it an honor) first film was chosen to keep fùtbol fever alive. While you were dreaming about drinking shitty German beer in a bar full of sweaty Americans pretending to be die-hard soccer fans (nice Messi jersey you bought two weeks ago, bro), I was balls deep into a bottle of $20 tequila and praying for God to intervene and smite me while watching the 2012 abortion of a romantic comedy, Playing For Keeps.

I should have known what I was getting into when I saw the cast. Between the four of them, Gerard Butler, Jessica Biel, Dennis Quaid and Catherine Zeta-Jones have been involved in approximately six hours of watchable material. It’s 105 excruciating minutes filled to the brim with tired jokes (“He must get more ass than a toilet seat!”), genre cliches and unlikable characters. Within 10 minutes I turned to my girlfriend and said, “Gerard Butler is going to become the new soccer coach, lead the team to the championship game, win back his ex-wife and mother of his child, all while banging a bunch of soccer moms along the way to discovering what’s really important in life.” Lo and behold, that’s exactly how it went down. Normally I’d feel bad spoiling the entire movie here, but you’d be a straight up goomba to not see it coming, not to mention an idiot for even subjecting yourself to the movie in the first place.

Yes, Gerard Butler bangs both of them.

Yes, Gerard Butler bangs both of them.

There was a brief moment, about halfway through the film, where I felt a slight tickle in my belly. “That, in some social circles perhaps, could be considered humorous,” I thought to myself. That was about as close as I came to laughing the entire time. Playing For Keeps is about as funny as a makeshift bomb in a school bus full of children. I sincerely hope that all parties involved in the production of this movie cry themselves to sleep every night knowing they had a hand in unleashing this abomination upon the public.

Romantic comedies may not be my cup of tea, but I can usually enjoy myself. This movie isn’t even tea, it’s a cup of dehydrated piss. Foul in every regard, and only acceptable for human consumption in circumstances where there is literally no substitute in a life or death situation. I derived no pleasure from the experience; in fact, one could even call it a torturous event. There is not a single redeeming quality to be found here, people. If you paid money to sit your ass in a seat and watch this farce, you should probably be committed. I award this movie zero stars, and may God have mercy on its soul.

0/5

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