Author: Matt Cebreros
The 85th Academy Awards take place tomorrow evening. Curious to know who brings home that dashing gold man in your favorite category, but you don’t feel like watching celebrities jerk each other off for three hours? You’ve come to the right place. These are more than just hunches. This is prevision. These are presages bestowed upon me from an omnipotent entity. I won’t out my source, but let’s just say his name rhymes with Tod.
FULL DISCLOSURE: I haven’t seen Les Misérables. Don’t worry though, it’s not going to win anything anyway (well, maybe something that no one cares about. Like costumes or make-up).
Best Picture Nominees: Amour, Silver Linings Playbook, Life of Pi, Lincoln, Zero Dark Thirty, Les Misérables, Argo, Django Unchained, Beasts of the Southern Wild.
What will win: Zero Dark Thirty
What?! Argo isn’t going to win? Nope, and I’ll tell you why. Kathryn Bigelow did this once already with The Hurt Locker, and she’s going to do it again. The Academy really loves when film’s portray America’s involvement in foreign affairs. Particularly when it comes to war. The screenplay sounds really fancy with all of its military and intelligence jargon, and it looks good. Also, lets not forget the best villain of the year: Osama Bin Laden! Zero Dark Thirty has all the fixin’s for another undeserved upset.
What should win: Life of Pi
This might be a controversial opinion for some, but I feel like Life of Pi is one of the most unique and captivating experiences ever put on the silver screen. I was never once bored, which is remarkable given the fact that well over half of the movie takes place on a small boat stranded at sea. At the heart of Life of Pi is a truly inspiring message, and I think this movie should go down as one of the great achievements in the industry.
Best Actor Nominees: Daniel Day Lewis, Joaquin Phoenix, Denzel Washington, Bradley Cooper, Hugh Jackman.
Who will win: Daniel Day Lewis
Of course he’ll win. He’s Daniel Day Lewis.
Who should win: Joaquin Phoenix
It’s well known that I’m a superfan of The Master (my blu-ray preorder should be coming any day). I’m very adamant in my belief that Joaquin Phoenix delivered one of the great performances in film history, and I think giving the award to any other actor is an absolute sham. If it weren’t for his comment that the Oscars are “bullshit”, I think he would have a strong chance at winning. They recognized his work with a nomination, at the very least.
Who will win: Emmanuelle Riva
I think this category is really close this year, but ultimately I think Riva is taking it home. She’s so good that its painful to watch as she degrades and becomes a shell of a human being. She put everything she had into what could end up being her final role. Two parts haunting, two parts lovable, and altogether unforgettable.
Who should win: Emmanuelle Riva
The Academy will make the right choice. She deserves it.
Best Director Nominees: Michael Haneke, David O. Russell, Benh Zeitlin, Ang Lee, Steven Spielberg.
Who will win: Steven Spielberg
Lincoln is big-time Oscar bait if there ever was such a thing. He has won this award twice before, and I don’t see the Academy spreading the love around this year. That’s not a sleight against the man in any way; he’s certainly one of the very best mainstream directors Hollywood has ever seen. His work in the film is fantastic, and I’m confident he’ll win this year.
Who should win: Michael Haneke
Mostly because he’s one of my favorite directors, and I’d really love for him to finally achieve the recognition he deserves. His films are incredibly challenging and inaccessible for most movie-goers, so if any movie is going to win him this award, it’s going to be Amour.
Best Supporting Actor Nominees: Philip Seymour Hoffman, Robert De Niro, Tommy Lee Jones, Christoph Waltz, Alan Arkin.
Who will win: Christoph Waltz
How can you not love this guy? He’s handsome, funny, and most importantly he’s a fantastic actor. He took home this award three years ago for Inglourious Basterds, and I think he’ll continue his hot streak. Also, just to set the record straight, if you think DiCaprio and Jackson deserved the nomination over Waltz, you’re dumb.
Who should win: Philip Seymour Hoffman
The Master is just as much Hoffman’s movie as it is Phoenix’s. He may have won for Capote, but he has been very open about his disdain for awards. If it weren’t for that, I think the Academy would be recognizing him for his work in this movie, because he’s absolutely incredible in it.
Best Supporting Actress Nominees: Amy Adams, Sally Field, Anne Hathaway, Helen Hunt, Jacki Weaver.
Who will win: Anne Hathaway
Yeah, I know I said Les Misérables wouldn’t win anything, but my guy on the inside (of everything) assures me that she’s going to win. I’ll take his word for it. If she loses and you feel inclined to write a letter of complaint, he told me to direct all emails to God@hotmail.com
Who should win: Amy Adams
She talked dirty to me. We have a connection.
Best Animated Feature Nominees: ParaNorman, Brave, Frankenweenie, Wreck-It Ralph, The Pirates! Band of Misfits.
What will win: Brave
We all know The Academy loves Pixar, and the film features strong woman, and the animation is beautiful, and blah blah blah.
What should win: ParaNorman
WHY DO I SEEM TO BE THE ONLY ONE THAT THINKS THIS MOVIE IS AMAZING?! Maybe it’s just because I’m a horror buff, but I looooooved this movie. It’s funny, the art direction is super cool, and it’s full of quirky and interesting characters. I don’t give a fuck if you cried at the end of Brave, or when Sparky gets run over by a car in Frankenweenie, or when Ralph crushes Vanellope’s racecar. ParaNorman crushes those chumps.
Best Original Screenplay Nominees: Michael Haneke (Amour), Quentin Tarantino (Django Unchained), Wes Anderson & Roman Coppola (Moonrise Kingdom), John Gatins (Flight), Mark Boal (Zero Dark Thirty)
Who will win: Quentin Tarantino
Once again, his witty dialogue and unorthodox writing style is going to earn him another Oscar. If you ask me, the movie suffers by not giving Django any real agency until the very end, and it’s too long, but whatevs. I’m not in the Academy.
Who should win: Wes Anderson & Roman Coppola
The screenplay for Moonrise Kingdom perfectly capture the whimsical nature of childhood love. It’s true that Anderson’s unique style of writing is off-putting for some, but I think this one does a good job of balancing his unconventional dialogue and storytelling with universal appeal. Everyone remembers their childhood love, and the screenplay invokes that sense of nostalgia for simpler times.
Best Adapted Screenplay Nominees: Chris Terrio (Argo), Lucy Alibar & Behn Zeitlin (Beasts of the Southern Wild), David Magee (Life of Pi), Tony Kushner (Lincoln), David O. Russell (Silver Linings Playbook)
Who will win: Chris Terrio
I don’t think I’m being hyperbolic when I say that Argo is objectively a great screenplay. The dialogue is sharp, the plot is always moving forward, and that final act is tense as fuck. It was a perfect match for Affleck’s straight-forward and efficient directing style.
Who should win: David O. Russell
I really liked this movie. Russell constantly plays around with romantic comedy tropes, and takes the plot in directions the viewer isn’t expecting. All of the characters are well-developed and endearing. It’s a little sad, really funny, and an all around awesome screenplay.
Well, that about wraps it up. I figured I’d leave at least a few surprises for you guys, if you decide you still want to watch the ceremony.