The acting sucks. The dialogue sucks. The plot hardly makes sense. The soundtrack is painful to listen to. In other words, Cobra fucking rules.
Cobra is so awful, so over-the-top, so unbelievably moronic that it entertains on a whole different level. Stallone plays Marion Cobretti, otherwise known as “The Cobra”. Cobretti is a loose cannon cop that likes to solve his problems in the most violent fashion possible. He gets called into a hostage situation inside a grocery store where a maniac with a shotgun has opened fire on all the groceries. Apparently he’s some neo-nazi that is crying for the elimination of the weak so that the strong can rule the world, but I thought he just didn’t like fresh produce or something. Anyways, Stallone basically just murders the shit out of people for 90 minutes. That’s all you really need to know.
Cobra is a one-liner machine. Practically everything that comes out of his mouth is gold. My personal favorite, which is where the tag-line for the movie comes from, was when Cobra was addressing the psycho in the grocery store in the beginning, and right before he throws a knife into the guy’s chest, Cobra says, “You’re a disease, and I’m the cure.” I laughed out loud at that line and then proceeded to laugh some more as the scene unfolded. Just looking at Cobra made me laugh. The huge sunglasses and the leather jacket are both so cliché that it made the character that much more awesome to me.
I was actually impressed with the action scenes in this movie. The first car chase scene in particular was really fun to watch, with the cars launching off of small hills and getting insane amounts of air. All of the shoot-outs were unintentionally comical, because guys would get shot and then go flying backwards off of their motorcycles, or their vehicles would explode in a fiery inferno and fly 20-feet up into the air. The last action sequence, the showdown in the factory that seemingly just makes sparks, was definitely my favorite in the movie. The way that Cobra murders the main antagonist, as well as the cheesy one-liners that precede it, are so perfect and hilarious that I think it may have made its way into my favorite action sequences, as stupid as it is.
To me, Cobra epitomizes the iconic 80’s action movie. Everything is just so bad that it’s good. The best part is that it’s all completely serious. No tongue-in-cheek irony, just shitty shit. Look the other direction if you want something intellectually stimulating. Cobra is non-stop balls to the wall trash.